The news was delivered via cellphone late Thursday afternoon. I stumbled through the call, trying to maintain some sense of balance, sanity, anything to hold onto. Nothing. I hung up the phone and dropped to my knees and screamed Noooooooooooooo!!!
I was at our banquet facilty, an 80 year old strongly-built former Masonic Temple. When I look back, it dawned on me how many times I have been there cleaning when all hell has broken loose. I have to admit that that damned old building takes all my shit and beatings, and not one time has it taken it personally! Thanks buddy, your kindness has not gone unnoticed.
I spiralled downward quickly and fell into an all out rant for two fucking hours. WHY? WHY? WHY? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE I PICKED THIS FUCKING LESSON! YOU PROMISED ME AND, ONCE AGAIN, THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE! FUCK YOU! I AM SO DAMN SCARED AND MY MIND IS FLOODED WITH INSANITY! OK, I KNOW I AM SUPPOSED TO ASK WHAT IS THIS FOR BUT I CAN’T! NOT RIGHT NOW! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING TRY!
On my knees, bawling my eyes out, angry with gobs of disappointment and guilt smothering me. A complete fucking meltdown!
I get up and start kicking those 12 inch thick cement walls, and attacking them with anything I can get my hands on. I am bouncing my stupid head off the dancefloor and howling like a maniac.
After two hours of all this rage, I slowly began to notice some kind of peacefulness creeping in. WTF? I kept up the rant trying to throw that peace away because it did not make any damn sense, in the middle of this sucking black hurricane, and I clearly did not want it. But it persisted. It felt like everything was in slow motion, and I became curious as to what was happening. I laid down on the ballroom floor and let the new thoughts enter. Very slowly, I started to feel strong again, this out of this world strength that I knew, has always been and will always be, MY STRENGTH! I just laid there and waited for it to fill me up. Feebly, I began talking to HS/Jesus/Tomas…Hi Guys, thanx for coming or rather thanx for letting me finally hear you. OK, I do get now to ask what this is for, even though at this particular moment, I do not understand. You know I need signs, intuitive promptings and lots of times, flat out clearly spelled messages, I cannot do this on my own. Throughout the evening, the peace continued, no matter how hard I tried to make it go away.
I woke up Friday morning with this huge “Hi” hovering over the foot of my bed. It was written in the old English font, like the “D” on the Detroit ball caps, blazing white, and about 2 feet tall. I knew it wasn’t a dream because I was awake. Holy shit! It took me a few seconds, but then I got it. OMIGOD, THANK YOU SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH! It was a sign from my buddies, just like when I saw Fairy Godmothers Enchanted Catering and Lol@ACIM in my Mind! Yes! Yes! Yes!
I was so excited about it that I went to work and made a sign that looks just like it and hung it under my clock so I would look at it all day long, as I knew how badly I needed it. “WHAT IS THIS FOR?”, started to sink in. And I began to marvel that things were happening at some kind of speeded-up pace! I mean we’re not even 24 hours into this illogical mess!
I begin to clearly see that innocent face who needs me to fight through this illusion, for him, for us, and to be able to see what this is for. I call him back, and am now able to offer him a flashlight and some sticky notes as we march through this storm. Slowly, one by one, the obstacles drop away. As it progresses over the next couple of days, I can feel how he is changing and it is amazing to watch. He is gaining some kind of otherworldly strength that he never had before, and I observe with great awe. I now see that this had to happen, whether I like it or not (fuck), because the other side is something none of us could have predicted.
And, at this very moment as I write this, I am bawling my eyes out with tears of gratitude.
Throughout this entire weekend, every time my Mind decides to go to shit, Hi immediately pops up and reassures me.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much Love and Pink Clouds,