Woke up 3 weeks ago very pissed off. Let the ranting begin. I am co-owner of a catering company and banquet facility that seats up to 350 people, and our main functions are weddings. It’s a beautiful old Masonic Lodge. On the street level are several offices that we have rented out.
This particular morning was our first catering gig of the year, and my mind starts: I hate my business partner, I hate catering (which really means cleaning), I hate our tenants because the only calls I get from means something else has gone wrong with that old building. I hate shovelling snow and spreading salt because then I hve to clean all that fucking salt that everyone tracks back into the building. I hate the drunken guests at our functions that puke all over MY clean bathrooms and I hate that all this takes such an emotional and physical toll on my poor poor psyche…wah wah wah. I could go on and on and of course I did as I wallowed in my bed thinking, fuck, another fucking year of this shit!!!
And then I heard: “You are doing this to your self”. Ahem. Me? Really? And then it clicked, quite soundly, actually: OF COURSE I AM!!! And it’s taken me how many years to have this land in my bed at this particular moment? All this undoing the ego has been such a terrible mess. It’s ugly, relentless, beats me up, confuses the fuck out of me, making me think never, ever am I going to get this stuff!!! The past few months have been some particular kind of hell, barreling down a lonely, torturous highway filled with so many fucked-up landmines that I thought there would be nothing left of me at the end.
And that is true. There wasn’t much left of me. But I am so happy, so damn happy where it spit me out. A big ole chunk of Sally got blown apart and re-structured in that raging war. Because those were my very own dreamed-up personally-designed landmines just for lovely ME! And now, finally, yessss, I can do something about it.
I cannot believe how happy I am, whereas just moments ago I was this big ugly frumpy mess. I decide to check it out. Off to work and my catering partner is happy too! Our staff is happy, it’s not snowing so I don’t have to shovel and salt, and our guests, 200 kids and parents for a football banquet are, I swear on my ACIM, the nicest group of people we have ever catered to. Very appreciative, very thankful, all treating us like the Queens of Kindness… AND NO ONE PUKED!
I then thought, well, if I dreamed up all those personally-designed landmines, I now must be making up this new shiny world where my own damn self and everyone me is crazily happy. Hmmmm, is it possible? Obviously, because the message said: “You are doing this to your self.”
This is some crazy insightful shit, if this is how this works, and I think it must be, well, because IT’S WORKING! Thank God, again and again and again…for ACIM!
The past 3 weeks have been continued happiness, as I am more and more able to catch the shit when it comes in and stop the lunacy before it hits the fan. Oddly enough, it doesn’t seem to be doing it all that much, another damn happy by-product. I am just so damn happy and that is such a nice word. It feels so new and fresh and me!
(BTW: I met my catering partner over 8 years ago and what really stands out from that first meeting was her shiny happy face. She has been my greatest classroom, although she doesn’t realize it nor does she follow ACIM. I have been to the great depths of the dark side of the world with her and all I ever wanted was to see that beautiful face from our first meeting. Ahhhhh, it’s coming back, more and more everyday.)
Much Love and Pink Clouds,