Uh…Looking At This Death Thing

So, through Retreats and teleclasses, our precious Nouk has us taking a really deep look at death. Yikes, and more yikes.

Nouk said: death is our greatest idol, the body is second. Ok, here we go.

We’ve been at this awhile and man things are coming up. I am now paraphrasing some of our answers: Student who has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer is furious because she thinks she is not getting to go home to God as soon as she wanted. Nouk is laughing, and says you don’t go home to God through death. You awaken in the body, while you are still alive.

Another student says her thoughts are that she finally has earned her reward, the punishment is over, rest in peace. Now Nouk is hysterical and says: Jesus says RIP is for the living, not the dead. We have turned his message upside down. What the hell is going on? Everyone is sooooo confused, and upset.

Nouk also said to us: I have so much gratitude for all of you for doing these classes. The message is this: in life is liberation, NOT DEATH. We need to learn to give our body to the right teacher. This is our biggest conflict of all. You are all very brave, I bow at your feet.

And this is how it played out for me. I have been sick since the beginning of the year. First with a cold and then all kinds of weird flu bugs. When we began looking at death, THIS DAMN CLOSELY, I really got sick. Here goes my mind: the first day, I was sure I was having a heart attack, the second day it was cancer, then it was pleurisy, the day following that was a gallbladder infection, and you will notice, that I was making them all seemingly less threatening, less death-like to me, as the days went on. During all this time, I was doing a mantra Nouk had taught us: I choose only to follow God’s Will for myself, from this moment on. In so doing, I choose to forfeit my own independent will in all areas of my life. Along with, Please reveal to me what you would have me know. And I would find myself doing everything I could to distract myself from saying them. But it dawned on me, this was my only way out of this fucking mess, so I continued, badgering myself with beat-me-up thoughts, all the while. Sheesh, such a mess.

About one week into this, I realized what I was doing. Sally, how many times have you been over this? This is no hierarchy of illusions, but oh my, how you do insist! Shit! I got it! No matter what I had, or pretended I had, it didn’t make any damn difference. A splinter is the same as cancer. Hell yes! Hallelujah! Something is finally sinking in!

And with that insight came, along with an immediate healing, some brand new to me, knowledge. By sticking with the mantras, by forcing my own damn self, to keep looking, I realized with great delight, that now I am handing more and more over and the feeling is quite exhilarating. And that is not a word I would ever have used to describe my journey through ACIM.

Actually, this is now fun. If I find myself trying to solve a dilemma (yeah right), and by the way, that is ALL the time, I am finding it easier and quicker to say: oh wait, here let me give this to You, because You know way better, and I love the surprise endings. I can’t wait to see where You will take this. It feels like the greatest game ever.

Much Love and Pink Clouds,


A Holy Instant Strung Together Becomes Holy Hours

A friend of mine, with the help of his ex-partner and now partner, has raised his niece since she was a teenager, and her Mom died young. She was like a daughter to him. Nearly 3 weeks ago, she was discovered dead in her bed. Only 33 years old. Clearly, this is not supposed to be how it happens, according to the world. The autopsy has shown no reason for her death.

I told him, when the time came, I would help him with her apartment. He said, no thank you, we will manage it.

I received a call on Friday night. He said, if you are still interested in helping us, I’d like you to come by and check it out before you agree to anything. This particular Holy Child of God appeared to love to collect things.

When I arrived, their grief was covering them like a sorry shroud. Now add to that: shame, disbelief, guilt, and of course, lots and lots of anger. I took a look, and said, no problem, I’ll be here tomorrow morning to help. Fortunately, I have no personal stake in this and can be with them as an observer, as well as a worker bee. I also realized what a beautiful classroom was being presented to me, thank You very much.

I emailed one of my ACIM/KnowThySelf Retreat buddies, who is brilliant. I explained what was going on and she said to remember the niece is not guilty, nobody is guilty. You will see it and then they can see it. Good God, of course! That is brilliant Kay, and I am so deeply appreciative to you for reminding me.

When I arrived the next morning, they had already begun the clearing, along with the former partner. My buddy then began to bitch about our Holy Child of God. I said, wait wait, our only job is to love Becky today. He shouted to the others: Sally said we can only love Becky today! Every time something appeared as some kind of made-up mess, one of us would say: Bless you Becky! And an amazing thing happened. By giving this all up to Holy Spirit, by only loving her, we literally moved mountains in the next 6 hours. Just like Jesus said we could!

We were all giddy by the end of the day with what we had accomplished. Really, at the beginning it looked quite insurmountable, but with our joining together, in Love, we were able to accomplish something that should have taken many, many days.

Today, over 24 hours later, that Love has impacted my life in so many ways, I am having a hard time keeping track of it. What started out as a single Holy Instant, is now being strung together to many many hours, and oh yeah, I am so getting this is how it is supposed to be ūüôā

Much Love and Pink Clouds,

My Mom Is So Cute (February, 2013)

Ellie’s birthday is coming up, at the end of February.¬† She calls and announces:¬† I will be arriving on Friday for my birthday, we will eat at the Roadhouse, I am paying and there will be none of that damn singing and dancing at my table.¬† OK, got it, Ellie!


Poof, a thought comes flying in.¬† I’ll go and buy her gift cards for the Roadhouse, ha ha, and she’ll have to pay with them.¬† I call Jeff and he says, well great minds think alike, I too am going to buy her gift cards.¬† I said, sigh, it’s pretty¬†bad when you are trying to outsmart your 82 year old Mom.


She arrives and she is pissing vinegar.¬† She stopped at a store along the way and saw they had a 6-pack of Yeungling (beer my husband Wayne loves) and so she put it in her cart.¬† When she was checking out, the clerk asked¬†for her ID.¬† Cute.¬† It’s just a store policy, but that is not the way SHE saw it.¬† She told¬†him that¬†her ID was in her car and she was not going to retrieve it.¬† The poor clerk (only following store rules) says, fine, what is your birthdate?¬† Quite unaware he has managed to start World War III.¬†¬† She said, well I was just so pissed off that I lied to him.¬† WTFf???¬† I am laughing so hard and¬†asked why in the hell would you lie to him, ¬†and she said she did not know.


The answer came later as we arrived back at my home, after dinner.¬† We were talking about the ID story and she said:¬† “Well, I just can’t face the fact that I’m going to be 83!”¬† It took a few minutes for Jeff and I to convince her that since she was born in 1931, she was only going to be 82.¬† Holy shit, suddenly she is just so damn happy about her age.¬† So, I’m connecting dots here thinking, well fuck, maybe she doesn’t like odd numbers or something.¬† Who knows what transpires in that damn divine mind of hers.

She leaves for Canada at the same time I am leaving for a birthday party, about an hour and a half north of here.¬† My cell rings and she is at a pay phone and clearly manic.¬† She has lost her new wallet with a $100 bill in it, her American credit and debit cards and her cell phone.¬† She said:¬† “Don’t be alarmed!”¬† I said:¬† “I am clearly not, YOU ARE!”¬† She humbly replied:¬† “You’re right.”


Now, this losing of “things” with Ellie dates back to a very early memory of mine when I was 5 years old, so really, it’s nothing new.¬† I am thinking, shit, it’s probably in one of the many, many, MANY bags you carry around with you.


When she arrives back in Canada, she calls and is in full-fledge fright.¬† Sigh, ok, sorry for you, I’m not buying¬†into it.¬† The next few days are a flurry of calls, cancelling this, cancelling that, oh dear, I hope whomever finds this needs the $100, and now since the restaurant we went to just happens to be where two of my kids work, they are all sucked into this black hole, and apologizing to my kids they cannot find¬†it.¬† She is sure she lost it there!


Two days later I am reaching for a storage bag on the bottom shelf of my baker’s rack and think what in¬†it the hell is that plastic bag….OMG….I KNOW WHAT IT IS!¬†


Ha Ha.¬† Cellphone, wallet, a rain bonnet and a container of ibuprofen.¬† I call, she says “hang on.”¬† Comes back and says:¬† “I had to collect myself.”¬† According to ACIM, what does this mean?¬† I said well are the thoughts:¬† “I am getting old, the kids are going to think I’m losing it, maybe I shouldn’t even be driving, blah blah blah.”¬† She said, “Oh, that’s it exactly!”¬†


Congrats Ellie, you’ve reached a new level!¬† Instead of blaming the world for what is going on, you have now projected it back onto yourself.¬† And although, this is a very tough stage to go through, the good news is that it is much quicker.


And then I climbed up on my lofty perch and proclaimed:¬† IT’S A SIGN FROM GOD TO QUIT CARRYING ALL THOSE FUCKING BAGS AROUND!!!”

Much Love and Pink Clouds,